Sorry its a bit late been very busy :)

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T’PAU!
I said “Don’t you mean KAPOW?”
“No”, said Batman, I’ve got china in my hand.

1. I discovered my dog has turned into a bit of a locksmith. I stuck a poker up his arse and he made a bolt for the door
2. A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster